Freedumb to Bear Arms

With the recent surge of mass shootings in the United States, gun control has become a hot topic of conversation in my Facebook newsfeed. It seems that everywhere I turn, there are a bunch of tree-huggin’, burlap-wearin’, liberal commies yelling at us about gun control, trying to take away our God/constitution-given right to have as many guns as we goddamn please. If you’re frustrated with this blatant attempt to strip us of a constitutional right that bears no resemblance to the imaginary right that it’s currently invoked to defend, here are some strategies for resistance.

Strategy 1: “It’s Not the Right Time”

In the wake of each of these tragedies, the leftest libtards have eagerly jumped at the chance to politicize the conversation surrounding the events and push their anti-gun agenda. But the aftermath of a gun violence tragedy is no time to talk about gun control! How dare these skeezy, opportunistic politicians respond to the senseless deaths of innocent people by trying to prevent more senseless deaths of innocent people?! It’s completely disrespectful to the memory of the victims to try to figure out a solution to the problem that led to their tragic and avoidable deaths. It’s best to just mourn quietly and helplessly, shaking our heads in disbelief and lamenting the lack of viable solutions to this problem that only we face, until the appropriate time to engage in a conversation about policy changes arrives. Ensure that victims’ deaths are properly mourned before trying to prevent more of them by employing this strategy:

  1. See news story about new mass shooting.
  2. Scold others for politicizing conversation too soon.
  3. Recommend appropriate waiting period before engaging in conversation about political solutions.
  4. Arrive at appropriate time to discuss political solutions.
  5. Discuss political solutions.

This is an excellent strategy to employ if you don’t want to engage in a conversation about gun control, but want to appear as if you do. Since the frequency of gun violence has risen so high that we average one shooting per day in the United States, Step 1 will surely intervene again before you ever reach Step 4, preventing you from ever having to complete Step 5. Gesturing at a time in the indeterminately distant future at which it will be appropriate to discuss political solutions gives the impression of intent to engage in a meaningful dialogue, but prevents you from ever having to actually do so. This strategy is also known as Zeno’s Gun Control Paradox.

Strategy 2: “Mental Health”

Sometimes there’s a lull in the steady stream of news stories about mass shootings, and you accidentally arrive at Step 4 of the previous strategy. If this happens, you may need to resort to a secondary avoidance strategy. When you find yourself in this situation, try changing the subject to a vague and only tangentially related issue, distracting others from the reasonable intuition that improving the regulation of deadly weapons might decrease the number of deaths that occur from the use of deadly weapons. Gun violence is tragic, and we should certainly be taking steps to prevent it, but gun control is not the answer! Something else is. It must be something else. Sometthhhhiiiiinggg…what’s something that is complex enough to justify my inability to provide concrete suggestions for improvement, will seem like an intuitively plausible explanation for violence even though those intuitions are largely scaffolded by misleading stereotypes, and still allows me to pack heat while strolling through my local shopping mall with the wife and kids, blissfully enjoying a Cinnabon and a blue raspberry Icee…

Wait I got it! Mental health. Gesturing at a problem like our broken mental health system is the perfect way to engage in the dialogue about gun violence without resorting to silly gun control. Here’s how to employ this strategy:

  1. See news story about new mass shooting.
  2. Engage in gun control debate on Facebook comment thread.
  3. List reasons why guns are not the cause of gun violence.
  4. List alternate problems that cause gun violence, such as a broken mental health system.
  5. Do nothing about aforementioned problems.
  6. Return to step 1 and repeat.

This strategy is perfect for folks who want to suggest solutions to the rampant gun violence problem we have in our country, but without having to change their “GnLvr29” custom license plate, for which they paid good money. The best part is, suggesting that we address gun violence by reforming our broken mental health system requires no personal sacrifice (as far as we know, at least, since none of us has any clue what the fuck would be involved in actually doing so) and simultaneously circumnavigates the more obvious approach of making guns at least as difficult to acquire as comprehensive reproductive healthcare.

Strategy 3: “MOAR GUNZ!!”

Do you have a gun? Do you love your gun? Do you sometimes fantasize about using that gun to stop a mass shooting with your quick reflexes, deft hand, and heroic bravery? Do you hear the theme song from “Chariots of Fire” play every time you imagine the president awarding you a Congressional Medal of Honor for having the courage and the skill protect your fellow man when danger is imminent? Try the following strategy the next time a new mass shooting inspires your liberal Facebook friends to start yakking about gun control, which should be some time in the next 48 hours:

  1. See news story about new mass shooting.
  2. Engage in gun control debate on Facebook comment thread.
  3. Deny that gun control will solve anything.
  4. Confidently assure other readers that if you were present and armed at the scene of the crime, you would have stopped that fucker in his tracks.
  5. Insist that we arm everyone.
  6. Return to step 1 and repeat.

It’s quite clear that the answer to gun violence is putting more guns in the hands of our fellow Americans. Despite the ample evidence we have that more guns means more gun violence, we cannot let the naysayers talk us out of our constitutional right to bear arms. I bet if a home invader pulled a weapon on those liberal nincompoops, they’d wish they had a gun to protect themselves and their families!

What’s that you say? The likelihood of being injured in a home invasion is less than one one-thousandth of a percent? BUT WHAT IF YOU’RE IN THAT TINY PERCENT? Obviously it’s safer to have a gun in the home just in case.

Sorry, what? Having a gun in the home increases, not decreases, the risk of injury and death for you and your family members, particularly the women in your home? Hmmm. Okay, what about outside the home?? What about when a lunatic opens fire in a public place? You must have a gun so that you can protect your fellow citizens!

Oh, whoops, guns are rarely used in self defense, and when they are used they often lead to injury or even death of the ‘heroic bystander’, and thus aren’t a reliable or recommendable strategy for reducing offensive violence?

But those are just meaningless numbers! Surely it is only because none of the well-meaning but silly armed bystanders who have tried and failed to intervene didn’t have your skill and aplomb.

Oopsie daisy, you mean to tell me that for every successful, justified, defensive use of a firearm there are dozens of offensive criminal uses of a firearm, meaning that opposition to gun control on the basis of the possibility of using guns defensively is still statistically unjustifiable when compared with the number of criminal deaths gun ownership leads to?



MY FREEDOM!!! (is more important than the statistical information we have available about the correlation between gun ownership and safety)



Culture of Life, Sort Of

One of the political issues that I feel most passionate about is the rights of the unborn. I am appalled by the callousness and disrespect with which so many people in our great nation treat human lives. In this country, we should be fostering a culture of life. Not so much black life or trans life or immigrant life or anything like that, but definitely life in general.

We cannot allow ourselves to become desensitized to the horrors of abortion, people. Terminating a pregnancy is never the answer, not even in cases of rape, incest, or danger to the mother’s life (plus, as women’s health aficionado Scott Walker shrewdly pointed out, that last one isn’t even a real thing). I just can’t help but think of all those precious little unborn baby girls that will never have the chance to have their healthcare defunded. Those beautiful little black babies who will never have the opportunity to be brutalized by police officers who will then be given paid administrative leave. All those angelic little transgender immigrant babies whose right to be detained and abused at a deportation facility are being stripped away from them before the first breath of air has entered their lungs. This is not the America I know and love.

This election season, I want a candidate who unequivocally stands for life, like Marco Rubio. At the August 6th Republican debate, Rubio unapologetically declared his commitment to defending the rights of those who cannot defend their own:

“I believe that every single human being is entitled to the protection of our laws, whether they can vote or not. Whether they can speak or not. Whether they can hire a lawyer or not. Whether they have a birth certificate or not.”

This man is truly a champion of life, particularly women’s lives. From his vote against reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act, his denial of the impact of human activity on global warming, his opposition to legislation protecting equal pay for women, and his voting record against stem cell research, it’s clear that Rubio will stop at nothing to protect the lives of women on this Earth, both present and future. This man is a true inspiration!

Rubio isn’t the only candidate who shows a truly moving commitment to a culture of life. Mike Huckabee has been on the front lines of the battle to protect the lives of the unborn, astutely comparing abortion to other atrocities like slavery and the Holocaust. And how right he is! We must reach right into the uterine tissue of our nation’s women, whether they like it or not, and ensure that they fulfill their duties as fetal production centers in order to prevent the same kind of violation, dehumanization, and suppression of autonomy that occurred during the Holocaust and the era of American slavery.

I think we can all agree that personhood begins at the moment of conception. Why? Just…I think we can all agree on that, okay? So when you so casually choose to exercise your right to control what grows inside your own body, remember: that’s a person in there!! It’s not about you anymore. What matters most is not the quality of your life, which already exists, but rather giving new life a chance to develop, be born, grow up, and be usurped by its own federally enforced unwanted pregnancy, like an infinitely nested Russian dollThat’s what it means to foster a culture of life: to generate as much of it as possible. What happens after that…well, it’ll work itself out. Each terminated pregnancy is a stain on America’s otherwise spotless record of protecting and valuing life, dating back to the very birth of our nation. Just ask the Native Americans!

It is imperative that we devote ourselves to protecting life in the same way that our fearless leaders have. And it’s not only the beginning of life that matters; the end is just as important! We as a country must fight the barbaric practice of physician-assisted suicide. It is not our job to play God. We cannot allow this reprehensible practice of helping women who are wracked with pain from terminal cancer, which might have been prevented if you hadn’t defunded the organization that provides their fucking breast cancer screenings, end their own torment with dignity. Their lives have to be protected right to the bitter end; people cannot be allowed to control the manner in which their suffering ends. That’s not what this country stands for.

Above all, we must focus on protecting life at its beginning and end, no matter what happens in the middle. There is no greater gift than that of life, and our great nation’s future depends on our commitment to protecting that life at all costs. That commitment must begin at the moment of conception. We must fight for the rights of an undeveloped clump of cells, even if not the rights of any actual people. Because a culture of life is about beating hearts, not humanity.

Political Correctness: A Fate Worse Than Death

We have a major problem in this great country of ours. It’s an insidious disease that is already pervading the dialogue surrounding this election season.

Political. Motherfucking. Correctness.

Nothing peeves me more than being asked to be considerate of other people. I just have no patience for it. Get off my back, compassion police! It’s even worse when people demand that politicians be held accountable for the things they say. There are just so many more important things to worry about than the attitudes and behaviors of the most powerful people in the world. 

So when Megyn Kelly demanded that Donald Trump answer for the repugnant, sexist shit that has come out of his crusty butterscotch face, I was more than a little annoyed. It just felt like such a waste of a question. Don’t we have bigger fish to fry? Like Trump rightly pointed out in response to Kelly’s question, we just don’t have time to focus on things like respecting women because…something about China, I forget. It’s not that women aren’t important, it’s just that calling them fat pigs is not as much of a problem as the imaginary battalion of Mexican rapists that are pouring over our border under the direction of the Mexican government. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE. These are the real issues facing our nation’s women, not this silly “respect” nonsense.

I just think everyone needs to lighten up a little. People just look for opportunities to be offended these days. They see oppression everywhere. It’s almost like misogyny actually is everywhere, manifesting itself in small, normalized ways that are so engrained into our collective psyche that we don’t even notice them. It’s almost like misogynistic microaggressions are imperceptible to those who don’t have to suffer the effects of them on a daily basis. It’s almost like men like Donald Trump, who don’t have a lifetime of experience being the target of sexist aggression, wouldn’t know misogyny if it slapped them on the ass (playfully!) as they walked by. 

It’s almost like that, but it’s not. It’s more like women and all those other butthurt sissies are Trump’s little brother, and he’s is just giving his little bro a playful noogie. We’re all having fun here!

I don’t understand why anyone thinks that Trump should apologize for these harmless jokes. I mean, do we really want to live in a world where we have to sacrifice comedy in order to treat women like human beings? I sure don’t. Fortunately, if you’re sick and tired of having people demand that you give a shit about their dignity, there’s hope yet. There is a way to defend against this kind of preposterous witch hunt.

Toss the PC flag.

This amazing little move is the saving grace of unabashedly privileged people everywhere. There’s no better way to distract everyone from the fact that you just compared a woman to a farm animal than by shifting their attention to the politically correct feminazis who are harshing everyone’s misogynistic mellow. Derail the accountability train headed your way by flailing your arms and shouting “POLITICAL CORRECTNESS POLICE!!!”, and you’ll promptly disappear in a cloud of willful ignorance, like a chauvinistic squid.

As Americans, we have basic freedoms, the most important of which is the freedom to be a dick with total immunity. That freedom should be protected at all costs. Frankly, we should all take a leaf out of Trump’s Dorito-tinted book. When a woman points out unexpected ways that your comments are offensive or oppressive, the best approach is to start by assuming that she’s getting her pantyhose in a wad for no reason, and that her lady hormones bear greater responsibility for her reaction than your alleged disrespect. Don’t let her impede the process of democratic debate by subjecting your words to moral scrutiny! Instead, mutter incoherently about an imaginary threat to your constitutional right to free speech, which allows you to circumvent her silly demands for accountability. Sure, you run the risk of perpetuating centuries-old, systemically scaffolded inequalities and causing her to feel unsafe, disregarded, and violated. But if you don’t, you run the terrifying risk of possibly being a little bit more considerate than you thought you needed to be.


Honestly, women in this nation are lucky to have a candidate like Trump to tell us when we should and shouldn’t be offended. Sometimes we have a hard time determining whether a comment about how pretty we’d look on our knees really merits objection, or whether the fountain of blood and uterine tissue pouring from our looms is just making us feel a little extra testy. Thank god we have that chalky cantelope of a man to keep our hysteria under control!

Fellow Americans, we can’t let the dialogue around the upcoming election deteriorate into SensitivityFest2016. We must protect politicians’ ability to express their racist, sexist, transphobic, homophobic thoughts freely and without threat of moral criticism. Just as the Founding Fathers intended.