Freedumb to Bear Arms

With the recent surge of mass shootings in the United States, gun control has become a hot topic of conversation in my Facebook newsfeed. It seems that everywhere I turn, there are a bunch of tree-huggin’, burlap-wearin’, liberal commies yelling at us about gun control, trying to take away our God/constitution-given right to have as many guns as we goddamn please. If you’re frustrated with this blatant attempt to strip us of a constitutional right that bears no resemblance to the imaginary right that it’s currently invoked to defend, here are some strategies for resistance.

Strategy 1: “It’s Not the Right Time”

In the wake of each of these tragedies, the leftest libtards have eagerly jumped at the chance to politicize the conversation surrounding the events and push their anti-gun agenda. But the aftermath of a gun violence tragedy is no time to talk about gun control! How dare these skeezy, opportunistic politicians respond to the senseless deaths of innocent people by trying to prevent more senseless deaths of innocent people?! It’s completely disrespectful to the memory of the victims to try to figure out a solution to the problem that led to their tragic and avoidable deaths. It’s best to just mourn quietly and helplessly, shaking our heads in disbelief and lamenting the lack of viable solutions to this problem that only we face, until the appropriate time to engage in a conversation about policy changes arrives. Ensure that victims’ deaths are properly mourned before trying to prevent more of them by employing this strategy:

  1. See news story about new mass shooting.
  2. Scold others for politicizing conversation too soon.
  3. Recommend appropriate waiting period before engaging in conversation about political solutions.
  4. Arrive at appropriate time to discuss political solutions.
  5. Discuss political solutions.

This is an excellent strategy to employ if you don’t want to engage in a conversation about gun control, but want to appear as if you do. Since the frequency of gun violence has risen so high that we average one shooting per day in the United States, Step 1 will surely intervene again before you ever reach Step 4, preventing you from ever having to complete Step 5. Gesturing at a time in the indeterminately distant future at which it will be appropriate to discuss political solutions gives the impression of intent to engage in a meaningful dialogue, but prevents you from ever having to actually do so. This strategy is also known as Zeno’s Gun Control Paradox.

Strategy 2: “Mental Health”

Sometimes there’s a lull in the steady stream of news stories about mass shootings, and you accidentally arrive at Step 4 of the previous strategy. If this happens, you may need to resort to a secondary avoidance strategy. When you find yourself in this situation, try changing the subject to a vague and only tangentially related issue, distracting others from the reasonable intuition that improving the regulation of deadly weapons might decrease the number of deaths that occur from the use of deadly weapons. Gun violence is tragic, and we should certainly be taking steps to prevent it, but gun control is not the answer! Something else is. It must be something else. Sometthhhhiiiiinggg…what’s something that is complex enough to justify my inability to provide concrete suggestions for improvement, will seem like an intuitively plausible explanation for violence even though those intuitions are largely scaffolded by misleading stereotypes, and still allows me to pack heat while strolling through my local shopping mall with the wife and kids, blissfully enjoying a Cinnabon and a blue raspberry Icee…

Wait I got it! Mental health. Gesturing at a problem like our broken mental health system is the perfect way to engage in the dialogue about gun violence without resorting to silly gun control. Here’s how to employ this strategy:

  1. See news story about new mass shooting.
  2. Engage in gun control debate on Facebook comment thread.
  3. List reasons why guns are not the cause of gun violence.
  4. List alternate problems that cause gun violence, such as a broken mental health system.
  5. Do nothing about aforementioned problems.
  6. Return to step 1 and repeat.

This strategy is perfect for folks who want to suggest solutions to the rampant gun violence problem we have in our country, but without having to change their “GnLvr29” custom license plate, for which they paid good money. The best part is, suggesting that we address gun violence by reforming our broken mental health system requires no personal sacrifice (as far as we know, at least, since none of us has any clue what the fuck would be involved in actually doing so) and simultaneously circumnavigates the more obvious approach of making guns at least as difficult to acquire as comprehensive reproductive healthcare.

Strategy 3: “MOAR GUNZ!!”

Do you have a gun? Do you love your gun? Do you sometimes fantasize about using that gun to stop a mass shooting with your quick reflexes, deft hand, and heroic bravery? Do you hear the theme song from “Chariots of Fire” play every time you imagine the president awarding you a Congressional Medal of Honor for having the courage and the skill protect your fellow man when danger is imminent? Try the following strategy the next time a new mass shooting inspires your liberal Facebook friends to start yakking about gun control, which should be some time in the next 48 hours:

  1. See news story about new mass shooting.
  2. Engage in gun control debate on Facebook comment thread.
  3. Deny that gun control will solve anything.
  4. Confidently assure other readers that if you were present and armed at the scene of the crime, you would have stopped that fucker in his tracks.
  5. Insist that we arm everyone.
  6. Return to step 1 and repeat.

It’s quite clear that the answer to gun violence is putting more guns in the hands of our fellow Americans. Despite the ample evidence we have that more guns means more gun violence, we cannot let the naysayers talk us out of our constitutional right to bear arms. I bet if a home invader pulled a weapon on those liberal nincompoops, they’d wish they had a gun to protect themselves and their families!

What’s that you say? The likelihood of being injured in a home invasion is less than one one-thousandth of a percent? BUT WHAT IF YOU’RE IN THAT TINY PERCENT? Obviously it’s safer to have a gun in the home just in case.

Sorry, what? Having a gun in the home increases, not decreases, the risk of injury and death for you and your family members, particularly the women in your home? Hmmm. Okay, what about outside the home?? What about when a lunatic opens fire in a public place? You must have a gun so that you can protect your fellow citizens!

Oh, whoops, guns are rarely used in self defense, and when they are used they often lead to injury or even death of the ‘heroic bystander’, and thus aren’t a reliable or recommendable strategy for reducing offensive violence?

But those are just meaningless numbers! Surely it is only because none of the well-meaning but silly armed bystanders who have tried and failed to intervene didn’t have your skill and aplomb.

Oopsie daisy, you mean to tell me that for every successful, justified, defensive use of a firearm there are dozens of offensive criminal uses of a firearm, meaning that opposition to gun control on the basis of the possibility of using guns defensively is still statistically unjustifiable when compared with the number of criminal deaths gun ownership leads to?



MY FREEDOM!!! (is more important than the statistical information we have available about the correlation between gun ownership and safety)




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